Zzzz.. i haf no idea wads happenin to me, around me. i woke up in a daze. all i can feel is the excruciating pain in my head nd this blindin white "sky" as if i am exposed to the full explosion of a flashbang. am i in heaven?.. nahh i deduced. i nvr do so many good tings when im alive to deserve it. Lol. i laugh at this stupid thot. after a few mins, the light dims and i found myself starin at the ceilin. dirt. spider webby. nvr had i known my room was in SUCH a mess. so is my life. haha. so anywae i take todae as wednesday. got a check up by sum doc. no problem with me. the whole tingy jus took like 2 mins of my life. meaningless. wad i sayin?! i tink nobody can unds. !@#$!#%@#%^

*************

speechless..

-devilxiv

the loss of your angel's wings leaves me in sorrow..

am i able to carry this pain til the future tomorrow?..

you're so far yet you're like so near..

can this shifting distance be part of my fear?..

____________________________________________________________________

"lets not talk about this." said someone who i cant looked at. my head jus wun tilt up to take event the slighest peek. the voice resembled a female someone whom i know. can it be her? my eyes too paralysed by the dusty brown spot on my shoe. it is time to get a new pair. unknowingly i stood up. jus then i realise the beautiful sunset across me. i took no comfort from it. i can hear a sniff or two. everytime i turned to look at her, i wake up from this partial nitemare. i have to know who is she. this dream has been flashin frequently these few nights. guilty? no idea. i hated this. i pulled up my blnket tryin to get myself to sleep. i turned and stole a glance of my alarm clock. it flickered in lime green, showin me three digits.. 3:00am. damn. wad a way to start a saturday morning. i loathe how this keep happenin to me. i mumbled some swear and counted somewhat a thousand plus sheep before i blacked out.. the dream never appeared again. however by now, i can vividly imagine the scene out. dang.. (to be continued)

*************

chapter one.. decided to start a life biography. comments~

-devilxiv

on a night when arsenal drew with spurs..

toon legend gonna sit out the next 3 matches..

bolton thrashed charlton four goals to one..

ac milan closed gap while juve slipped..

soccer, a beautiful game is played..

the same time i heard insults hurled at me..

more misunderstandings occurred..

someone callin someone else morbid..

frenship broken and formed..

relationship, a emtional game is played..

two different games..

two different methods of playing..

stil, theres onli one ending..

one gonna get hurt..

the other gonna be gloating..

____________________________________________________________________________________

haha.. i nvr say u are a tomboy kk? dun malign me. indeed, i haf alot of feelings bottled up inside me. not conveniently erased nor easily understood. we all wear disguises, ours and those that are imposed on us. theres no use hiding, we will get caught eventually. around me lies people wearing halo covering their horns. all their black hearts i dun see hurt me unconsciously. someimes i despair. wondering wad to do. wandering about.

no use changin it tho. i admit relishin the thot of victory. able to excel in every single ting i do pleases me. i dun mind bein isolated because i gloated. i jus dun wan to get hurt. all the insults, all the negatives jus dun firghten me anymore. mayb im stronger or isst im becum void of all these crap. loneliness i feel everynight. depression finds me fortnightly. throw a beast in this situation and no doubt he will be strong. mentally wise that is. physically there's hard to say. ran anotehr 6 plus km in the rain todae. is tiem i let rain wash all my sins away. i enjoy it. momentarily i feel that the world revolves around me. the ideal-i image appears before me. am i dreamin. no, i hope so. yet as the rain pours, drenched in a mixture of rain n sweat, i woke up. the traffic lights nvr turned red because i wanted to cross. the cars dun stop because i am there. the perfect world is shattered. i dint cry. cant admit defeat because of this minor incident. i can change the world i can.

without purpose, i carried on. my eyes hardly seemed dry now. the boy that had a perfect plan to be in command of the world walked on. if i had done every mistake differently, not makin any. will the world recognise me? i yearned for a second jus to escape. escape from reality? noo. escape from pain? noo. wad do i wan to escape from? u ask me. i will stil stare at u blankly. even after ten years, twenty even til the last breath i hold before my death. it remains something unknown. mayb that is my purpose in life. to unravel the secret. to fidn the truth. to gain the enlightment everyone desired. even lance armstrong can be a 7 time tour de france winner after cancer. power of the body i hardly tink so. the ability of one's mind can never b looked down. i jus wann be free. free from the tings dat chased me. i vowed to be. made up my mind to change the world.

now i sit back in my chair. pondering. minimisin my msn and maximisin it. slowly one by one from 30+ conacts online they disappear. even then, im tokin to none. slowly i see time trickled away as i took a glimpse at the bottom right screen. it reads 12:47pm. 12:48am..12:49am soon it hit 1:00am. one hour into the new day. another 11 hours to go before another fresh leash of life. hard to achieve? nto really. considering the eleven hours includes slp, muggin for tests, and homework. wad seem soo long is actualli slow. indeed time flies. flies to where? no idea. to me tme jus cycles. goin round and roudn and round. makin endless journeys. causing people liek u and i to be frustrated. inventors to die with regrets of not makin time reversing machines. matheticians to leve with no idea how to calculate the end of time. yeah. is true. everyone dies. time is the culpirt. dun blame illness. it never worked that way.given ample time scientents can alwaes cum up with a cure for the common flu.may it be a htousand years.if time stall, nobody will die.

i will end it here.. time is catching me up. forcin me to slp. 6 hrs and i will b muggin agn. spare me a break. for all i need is time~

may God bless all..

**************

they took a glance and saw a boy. nvr gave him the chance to b unique. i wil never forget..

-devilxiv

It's quite long wad.Considering that it's not very short.Hah.Thanks for the 'compliment' ah.Want to suan me oso do it so explicitly with the connotations.At least leave some face for me mah..After all i can be tomboyish and crazy all sorts of stuffs.Wadeva way you want to name it.But still i am 100% girl 0.o.Scientifically proven.And you know why i am more of guy?Mrs lim says that even girls have testosterones as well.-.-...All girls btw.Needless to say, guys oso have oestrogen.Kinda weird but it's true.So that's the explanation for my tomboyishness haha.

Well at least for me things have kinda settled down.But for you ah..think like you have a lot of bottled up feelings in within.You gave me a small piece of advice, so it's my turn to give you one too.Learn to take things easy=) Seems like you have a lot of high expectations and goals set for yourself--dats good.Because you have a goal to achieve and you will set yourself to work hard for it.But the process is more important than the result itself.So wadever you do,the main priority isnt to win but to give your best and having no regrets later.I am the more of the happy-go-lucky kind now.In the past probably i used to be compeititive as well,not wanting to fall back too far behind of others.Then after some time i realised that so much for all the worries and working oneself to death.All that remains is fatigue.And tired of life.Life holds more important things other than results and certificates.True it may dawn on us that reality is harsh and cruel--if we are not the cream of the crop or the top of the elite,then we face the threat of being eliminated.That's why we are working so hard for our future; yet in all the midst of confusion and rush, have we learnt to take a step back and accept the things whichever they turn out?Have we missed out the fun and good things bout life?Here's a food for thought.

lol.I love to talk so much.During the past 1 week kangqi and mingshuan were enjoying themselves at italy--leaving me and phamelia here in Singapore listening to the monotonous drone of the teachers.Ok that's a bit of an exaggeration.Most of the lessons were fun lah.Especially maths,chinese,bio,chem.English lessons were always slack wif mrs vora around.Cos of the english presentations..quite cool.Ours was animal abuse and we showed footage on how dolphins were slaughtered etc.Totally grossed out my class peeps.N just b4 the lesson started, david gave phamelia a few dead spiders he found on the locker.And phamelia was so excited.She lay those carcasses on her hand and left it on her table.Freaked out yanling and eunice who were sitting in front of her.Should any misadventure occur, the prospect of the spiders being blown over were simply too unbearable for them to take it.Everyone was like laughing over this.Some were shocked-some were in disbelief.Others were tickled.Actually it wasnt that bad lah.Come on.I even dissected a dead beetle b4.It's a shame.You know the shiny green colour was quite nice you know.haha.

oh wells.Better get to work soon.MEP practicals coming up.next week chinese test but next next week is gg to be a killer.Physics geog and bio.Wth.Nvm tmr i shall wake up early and knock on phamelia's door in the morning.Kq and ms would be dere too.Getting free 'tuition' from us.lol.

-what is this life full of care, if there's no one to stand and stare?-

ting^_^

dats not a very long post. Lolx. no title for today. rushin for time. to do wad?.. mug for my chem which is gonna take place in about less than 8hrs. Lolx. and for ur info, im not that SIMPLE. hahax. why im hyper that day was cause i get to play pool and go to the concert with my "beautiful" blog partner. hahaha. so yea.. dats for the explantion part.

long time since i haf blogged too. too caught up with the harsh reality about marks and competition to succeed in life. all those talks about acedemic nt being so impt and attitude takin a higher priority jus seem so fake. dun feel like rattlin on and on about marks. so yea, mayb it is reali an approriate time for me to start muggin like everyone else is.

jus a small advice to blog partner, take things in ur stride. many a times when u wish sumting to disappear, and it did disappear, u will miss it. treasure wadeva the frenship u haf now kk? haha. duno wad to blog. haf lots to say. yet nobody to realli confide in. dun realli feel comfortable writin it all down here. haix. do u define this mixed emotions as stress? depression? or sum other weird feeling that stil lies undefined in the world? Lol.

after re-readin wad i haf wrote above, i cant help but admired the messiness of it. no aim. no goal, no draft. this is a result. mayb dats life. indeed, life has no draft. deres never a second chance. im not opposin those hefty commericals abt second chances. well dats true too. but can anyone forget sumting u haf done so wrong? can they realli look at u with the same innocent look dat their eyes possessed? definitely in some way or another, those million stares u get from them, those spying glares dat follow ur every move will linger on. their rumors abt ur past mistakes, ur past action will jus be spoken of. never forgotten, never given a secodn chance to repent. probably so, i haf learnt to consider my future seriously. realisin that marks are EVERYTING. when can our society realli accept the real u beneath those one-sided facade. mayb i shldnt use the word one-sided. mask is indeed unchangeable, but facade esp on humans, varies. dependin for who, when and where, this funny ting jus changes.

i myself admit hiding behind a mask. theres no way, i can imagine, myself openin up. those vacant stares jus eyed me suspiciously, am i up to no good? they can never relate me to the word nice. dats wad happen when u did too many tings. for those soab to rumor about. they nvr tok good behind ur back. backstabbin. typical of ppl around me.

wadeva. im sick of this life. may it be gone in a flash! ARGH..

anyway thanks dad for helpin me fix my room. Lol.

peace out. may God bless all..

***********

"thank you" for seein my biggest weakness and exploited like the !#%!@ you are!

-devilxiv

Here i am going to type a damn long post.Name it as venting or just merely penning down my thoughts.Doesnt really matter.

So i have daoed her for 1month straight.True i forgiven her once.But that thing triggered it off again.Then poof..I really blasted.And just strodded out off the classroom liddat.The next day during pe she asked me to go pei her and she starts asking me all the questions again.E.g cliche questions such as: What have i done wrong?can we just talk it out?I mean like pls lah.Talking it out doesnt solve all problems.The problem is just dere.And somethings can never be solved by just merely 'talking it out'.And i'd wished you would look at things more than just the surface.Grow up please.Don't ever try to be so weak and fragile in front of me..cos my heart will never melt like this.If you think that things can really be solved that easily then you are ever so wrong.You win friends with your attitude and your character.Not because we pity you.Cos friendship is supposed to built on trust.Not on pity.

What is it bout you that freaks us out?firstly can you just be independent and less clingy for once?You cant depend on ppl around you too much.During practicals i mean you can at least try and understand what the practical is about.Do you know that you're asking 101 questions?We will help but we arent machines.Hey we are people who will get irriated after a while.Summore the questions u ask are quite..It's like right after the teacher talk bout it then you will ask again and again the same question.Pls lah.Idunno what's wrong but can you like be more confident of yourself etc?It's not only bout asking questions.Alot of other things.Can you like pls be more independent?Trust me.No one likes to be clinged onto tightly by another person.And can you be more decisive as well?we all know that you got eating problems.So we are trying to help you.But if you dowan to eat then how can we help you at all?It's you the one who ask us to help you gain weight etc.But then later you regret and keep refusing to eat.What kind of logic is this?If you're even unwilling to even try and change then we cannot do ath oso wat..argh.

Dere's like so much things to pen down.But precisely there's too much of it and i dunno even where to really start from.So just leave it at that.hmm..went wid my blog partner to the dhssb concert in the afternoon.Lol but i figured it was kinda too early.Turned out in a funny way that we all went there in a group after all.And he's happie n hyper bout that as well.haha.This just shows that he's SIMPLE and easy to satisfy.That's what he claims.Ahem.Actually good thing his frens turn up if not later is i pangseh him.zzz.And band rocks.Especially the alumni band.This time is different from the past years.I think is cos of the alumni and stage band that strikes the contrast.thEn me and gwen were quite crazy haha.And we decided tt our future bfs must know how to play the saxophone.Gwen said there's someone on the stage who can play the clarinet,bandset,saxophone etc.And thats DESMOND NG.hahahaha..But she says he's too old.If not she will sure marry him one.woots.quite true lah.Sun lu's saxophone so nice until it literally melts my heart.Seriously if my future bf plays saxophone to me i might just say yes to his proposal(if he asks)hahahahah..oh man.Keep on dreaming gal.

man.I really can crap a lot.i better keep my mouth shut now.Talk so much.hahah tata.

ting

Til i come round

254242. 532663. 123456. 09876. Numbers that throw me in limbo. Sumtym, i reliase that i cant possibly communicate with sumone jus by means of numbers. the likes of communication thru hp numbers, thru sms-es, thru home humbers, thru calls -- cannot never show and express the real feelings hidden behind the lines. one may be lyin thru their teeth for all u know!

i thot i could sort out my thots by 1st of april. and i did. but when i tried to contact u, u werent there. for a zillion of times, it has been liek that. are u playin a game of hide n seek with me? im sick of it. i m tried of chasing u. u may be fallin for another guy. however, at least we cld sort things out. now i lack the courage to msg u. to see u. to talk to u. ur presence gives me breathing difficulties. i duno wad to do. my reflex was to let out a sigh. a sigh devoid of feelings.

Mayb im indeed stil unsure abt the definition of love. u were nvr there when i nid u. u nvr inititate a convo. u nvr say hi. u jus pretend im invisible. yet many a times, i try to put myself in ur shoes. i dun tink i will do any of those. frightened, cowardice? mayb.. more likely to be scared. fear of rejection. i hate committment. detest the thot of being bonded. holdin mi down does not please me. but im willin to gif it a try if u will jus reply me. damn the world.

wadeva it is, i seriously cant get a grip of myself.

DAMNIT~

*************

Choices of 3. Fantasy of 2. Love of 1.

-devilxiv

heh.Let's countdown to 33 weeks=D. And we will be out of this pit.Let's play to our bottoms after that---This is our pact.

oh well.Long time havent blogged le.Later gg for co concert.But i guess it doesnt hurt to be online.Every week oso test and testssss...argh crap.haha.Oh here's a piece of news..Yesterday PR was giving MS a bouquet of flowers after the choir concert.NOTE: A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.ahem.(do i have to make it more explicit?)But as to whether there's stiu anything gg on between them i realli dunno.They are really tight lipped bout it.haha.kkk shhh...later she come kill me

after so long things went back to place.But then again i think it's just a matter of compromise.Probably we are not the kind to click- or it's just that i am more insensitive.But i dun really think too much into it.It's not really my responsibility or problem in the first place.All the questions that come thronging..please just let things be.Somewhat in a way or another things will just return to normal.(maybe not so normal)

bahz.anyway...gotta go off already.Time to get ready to leave..tata.

p.s i dowan be late.

-ting

ARGHHH~

okay, this is like another one of those crappy days. three trngs have passed and no improvements haf been shown. i m reli tinkin if i chasin his shadow, something that i will nvr be able to do not now neither in the near future. my future jus seem so bleak all of a sudden. den came another blow, miss beautiful. haix i duno wad to say. shld i be sayin like at last after 2mnths and 27days, i master up enuff courage to say hi. but to my disappointment, she was liek so bored. i jus cant seem to get her attention. i jus hope dat we cld at least be frens. and she dint went tuition todae. all because the cher she duzen need to attend for three weeks! mind eu three WHOLE weeks! i duno how am i gona survive this. haix. jus hope everytign turn out fine. i realli wan to ask her out for a movie. but i dun reali dare.

so ya, haven been able to be myself lately, all the nothingness jus seem to be impossibles, and stress jus continue piling up high in my brain. even my temper went haywired. inside my heart, the walls start to crumble, i cant breathe now more, jus wish that this grip of fear and anxiety to improve can be loosen. i relli cant tke it anymore, jealousy breeds hatred and hatred breeds anger. haix. shld i be less mindful abt this small matter about chasin up to my dream. coz people ard me are sayin im over reactin and theres no need to work so hard.. coz i can nvr win him. haix. so as the date comes nearer, my time for improvement decrease.. duh~ oh wellz, all nonsense ):

***********

254242. baby pls dun ignore me!

-devilxiv

my bloggin style seems to be weirder and weirder. and thansk for the wishes. but i have lost again by a stupid scoreline. period. one more month to train and prove to everyone that i aint playin a fool. gona haf a comeback with a big bang. peace out den. too frustrated to poem.

************

of all the things i've lost, i miss you the most.. sigh

-devilxiv

wahzzzz...let's see.So long i didnt blog.And i am finally back half-beaten as well as half-dead.After slogging through all the tests.Finally.muahaha.

At least yesterday we had a day of rest.No mep!Then today come sch late but i was kind of saved by rajaratnam...very slack day 2dae cos the 93.8 live radio show actually took up bout 2hours of the curriculum time.Today's topic was:Should secondary education prepare you for university or for life?And it turned out ok lah.Best part is i get to miss maths and physics and i dun have to speak though was 'lucky' to be picked.yawns.Just so sianz...

n i managed to scrape though my se workshop today--standing in front of a sea of blue and white;all puffed up and ready to play something horrendous on the viola.Didnt turn out as bad though---they said it was ok.So i can just heck la.Funny part was bout last min getting to play piano accompaniment for me.Must really thanks liying for running round to get ppl to help me play for me and also for trying to play for me;as well to wynne for ultimately playing for me in the end.So it all ends with a nice finale.

haiya.i oso dunno y i am typing all crap for now.Jm been playing for tournaments and stuffs.So good luck to you and may you achieve your goals=D.And also thanks for keeping the blog alive.I dunno how long i have been stagnant---but i know it's quite long.I am the guilty one.Paiseh k?and jiayou for your make up tests etc.noe you can do it de.

guess wad?i am addicted to chrono trigger.Whee

Frustration

hate to admit this. but my life's over. im gettin nowhere with this physique. lack of talents. lack of skills. im jus an average boy. will u spare me the insult and let me go?

my day has come. i fear it is too late. too late to retreat. i haf done the right kind of wrong. but all i get was this big criticism that i was too unreasonable. i tried. i did try my best.

i work harder to make myself worthy of bein ur partner. ur dazzling skills is far above mine, i dun wana be blamed for causin the loss. i strived. i persevered. yet i stil failed.

my life jus collapsed. my heart stop beating. i can no longer breathe. leaving this horrendous world for a carefree one seem so practical. i dun wana be under ur shadow anymore.

the energy to break free from ur clutches nvr appeared. was it my fault? the more i tried to struggle free, the tighter ur grip become. i cant escape. im always behind eu.

so in the end, i chose to take my own life. i guess eu are delighted that ur burden has left for good. i will haf no regrets for the world has no place for a loser like me.

vexeddisappointmentormented!

-devilxiv

it jus jumps back to the question yet again. who am i? an average boy. a dumb lover. an ambitious dreamer. do i haf wad it takes to like eu? to fall in love with eu? to be even ur secret admirer? i doubt so.i seroiusly felt so. "friends are all we can ever be" to me, this line is just too familiar. worse stil, "i onli treat and look up to eu as a brother" typical line. too common. yet it does hurt the most. i can stand next to eu, sit beside eu. even facing eu. but eu tok to everyone else. eu dint even notice me. i was gone for hours, did eu notice? dis worries me. if i ever say i love eu, will eu even hear it? i guess dats how my love alwes end. i dun haf the courage. i cant take a step out. i will stammer in front of eu. i jus act silly in front of eu. mayb thats all i ever do. kinda saddenin, come to tink of it. tell me wad to do, God..

(to be continued)

*sorry if it is kinda messy, i jus cant oraginse these thots porperly*

-devilxiv

though i give it all i had. give it all the way. it never did return the favor. not even reimbursin my loss. but i felt this way before. the feelin is just too familiar. fear whisper me a lullaby. confusin wad is real. no time to decipher. too late to interpret it. felt so perfectly inscure. now i cant see. darkness seem to close in. i cant hold on. not any longer. everyone pushes me away. believin im some kind of incurable disease. whats wrong with them? or even better, wads wrong with me? am i not who i suppose to be? i tried and all i.. and all i wan was acceptance. it duzen haf to come in carriages. i jus wana feel it. Seein the sand trickle down the hour glass. reminds me of the ever dyin time. i dun wana know. i close my eyelids. sometimes. the thots i tink dun make sense. even to me. they jus crowd around my mind. makin me doubt abt reality. i waited for a miracle to occur. it never came. every dream inside my head was pulped to dust. i regret. regret being me.

cant eu see i nidta feel sumting else? other than pain. i wana be with eu in summer not jus in the cold freezin winter. like everyone else i nidta feel some love. from eu and the world. yet the world is cruel. and all of a sudden this came. an overwhelming emotion that even heaven duzen noe. quite impossible but yea, is true. i am sick of it. i am through. tryin to please eu. tryin to make this whole situation okay. fix it yourselves? i am sorry. i mean shld i even apologise for smth i dun even gif a damn for? wadeva. "sorry" for all i've done wrong. for the times i have screwed up. but dun eu ever see? i am also human. dun treat me like a bandaid. a dumb old plaster. throw me when eu are done with it.. i dun jus wana soak up ur blood when eu are hurt. i wana be there forever. eu may replaced me when im useless, why does he gets to soak up ur happiness too? haiz. nvmm guess im done being ur life supporting machine. gettin ignored once eu are fully healed. i dread it when eu are happy, eu alwaes forget me when eu do smile. i hate. hate being me.

(to be continued)

-devilxiv

Happy Valentine Day..

To all those who care and love the world

To all those that are willing to share their joy

To all those in love with each other

To all those who are still single

May you all find dream gal/guy soon

***********

workin on a super long poem. haha lackin of inspirations tho. feel free to gif me ideas if eu read this post. haha peace out ppl. and i hereby wish all lovers and singles all the best in their lives!.. thank you to those who gif me presents!

***********

love the love, for the love moves eu..

-devilxiv